yourDictionary's Word of the Day infects the Starship Enterprise when 'Wabbit' runs 3 days in a row as the result of a computer glitch.
Stardate: 2004.08.06
Spock: Fascinating, Captain.... A life form that lives on pure carbohydrates....
Kirk: Spock... We must capture one... for the Federation zoo!
(Kirk's Communicator: Tweet! Chirp!)
Scotty: Aye, sir, I've done the wee interface to their master computer. Yee should see the stories in it! Och, now, Mr. Chekov. Away with ye lad. Yee are too young t' be read'n this stuff!
(McCoy's Scanner: Blip, Blip, Blip, Phssst!)
McCoy: Dammit Jim, everybody here is in poor health! And you want me to cure them! What do you take me for, anyway? A doctor?
(Spock: Raised Eye Brow)
Spock: But Doctor, you are a doctor.
McCoy: Shut-up Spock!
[Shatner Smile!®©™ Tinkle! Tinkle! ]
Kirk: Now, now, gentlemen, let's behave....
(Sirens: Howl! Howl! Howl!)
Computer Voice: RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
Uhura: Captain Tin Pot Dictator James Tiberius Kirk to the Bridge!
Star Trek Theme Music: Tum, Ta Tum, Ta Ta Ta, Ta Tum!
(Commercial Break) To be continued....
Coming back from commercials...
(Communicator: Tweet! Chirp!)
Kirk: Kirk here.
Chekov: Keptin, a wiral enrity has Inficted hour main computer! It gwot dwonloaded with the fies from dare mas-ter komtuper.
Kirk: I can't understand a thing you're saying Chekov, you sound like you're chewing socks. Put Sulu on.
(Noises: Shuffle, shuffle...)
Sulu: Captain, the Enterprise Main Computer has been infected by a viral entity from the WotD Master Computer. It came on board while we were downloading their files. It appears to be a cybernetic life form.
Kirk: Dammit Sulu! We were here to collect antique linguistic data that civilization lost when Khan fled Earth with his supermen, not collect pets for your collection!
(Uhura: Giggle!)
Sulu: Captain, the virus came aboard when Scotty interfaced with their computer.
Kirk: Scotty! How could you! Didn't you use a condom?
Scotty: Aye, sir I used a viral filter, but this wee beastie got by the filter.
(Everybody - including audience: Gasp!)
Spock: Jim! We must return to the Enterprise before we are stranded here!
McCoy: Do you mean we're gonna have to use that blasted transporter gizmo, again, Spock?
Spock: That's how we got here doctor, that's how we go back. We do this every episode.
(McCoy: Shudder!)
Kirk: But... Spock... Bones... If we go back now... I won't get to finish my choc..o..late.....e...clair! How long have we got before the tran...por...ter, ah, er, doesn't work anymore?
Spock: About 67.14670 seconds Captainup until the next commercial break.
(Kirk: Chewing noises...)
Kirk: I...must eat...faster!
Scotty: Scott to Enterprise. Beam us all up now, Mr Kyle! Who cares about the Captain's donut!
(Transporter beam: Brrrr-sjhhhh weeeh zzzhhooom)
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Hi folks. Having trouble finding the right word for the right occasion? Why don't you visit the Agora Thesaura, at www......
(Horrible laughing noises, and voice over of "The Entity" through the computer:)
HWA! HAH! HAW! HAW! WABBIT! WABBIT! WABBIT! WASCALLY WABBITS! WE'RE ALL GOING TO EAT WASCALLY WABBIT PIE!
<<SYSOUT FAILURE, Main Computer @ KERNEL m3.1-mE-95-98-6.0>>
Kirk: Spock! What can we do? This could...wreck my... all important career!
McCoy: Heh, heh! What's the virus called? Maybe I could inoculate it, or get it drunk with a mint julep?
(Everyone, especially Spock: Sigh!)
Spock: Doctor, computer viruses don't work that way.
(Scotty at console, punching buttons: Tweet! Tweet!)
Scotty: Captain! We be truly in yon trouble! The whole ship's Kit & Kaboodle is de-fragulating!
Kirk: Hum! Spock... This computer virus. It's just a small com...pu...ter program. Can't we... just play PONG... with it? Or something?
(Everyone, especially Spock: Gag...)
Spock: Jim! Get real! I'm going to have to De-Install it! Otherwise we're doomed! We'd have to live here, miles from nowhere, forever! The local library doesn't even have your favorite comic books!
(Everyone, including audience, especially Wendy: Gasp!)
The Entity: WWWW-AAAAAA-NNNNN-HHHHH! WANH! SNIFF?
(Dr. B: Sniffle!)
Kirk: God! Howbar..ba...ric! OK! Spock! Just do it! Nike style! Fix the Computer! Mr. Scott, you can help him! I have to go and.... call my... agent.....
Scotty: Sooo! We'll have to enter de main ... O.S. can-trool meh-new, Mister Spock!
I dinna know if it Ken be done.
The Entity: (A truly frightening voice emanating from all main computer speakers.)
WABBIT! WAAAAAHHHHH-BBBIIITTTTT! WABBIT! WABBIT! WABBIT!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
PESKY, PESKY, WASCALLY WABBITS! ONOMATOPOEIA.
SUPERCALIFRAJILESPICALLITROCIOUS....
Spock: Mr. Scott! we will need the most human, illogical, level headed human being we have on board to do it.
Scotty: Aye. Noo one else's brain could take that much exposure to raw HTML dialect or BASIC code!
Kirk: OK! It's my ship, Spock! I will...do...it. I'm Captain James T. Kirk... of the... Starship Enterprise.
[Entire ship's crew, in background: We know! We know!....]
The Entity: WABBIT! LOGISTICS MAGNILOQUENT. PSEUDOPHAKE… WAFTURE, RAPTURE! ?????
Spock: No captain! We need humanity. Not an ego the size of Jupiter.
Scotty: Aye! The gooood DoK-Toor will have to do it sair! Mr. Spock and I will have to guide him from the secondary Apple][+ Interface. It's the only virus-proof thing that still works on this ship! {Apple ][+ PC: Beep!}
(Apple][+ PC: Whir, Whir, Whir....)
On Main Viewer Screen: APPLE ][ Kernel Booting.....
The Entity: WWWW AAAA HHHH BBBB IIII TTTT SSSS!
……BIG… YE-WOW… WABBITS! WAH! WAH! WAH!
On Main Viewer Screen: [ APPLESOFT READY ]
Kirk: Bones, will you do it?
The Entity: SALVO CATAPULT, GHOTI SVELTE METTLE!...
WABBIT PATRIOT OUTLAW! FRICASSEE LURRY GAUNTLET!...
REDUNDANT AVOCADO!...
DONUT! DOH-NUT! DO-OH-NUT! DO? NUT?
McCoy: Sure, Jim, someone has to save our skins. And the sooner this lousy story ends, the better we'll all be.
On Main Viewer Screen:
C:\> WIN <ENTER>
... MS Windows XP Booting....
… in "Extra Safe" Mode... [3 episodes later...]
[START] Click!
[RUN] Click!
{PROGRAM] C:\WotD-UnInstall.exe <ENTER> Click!
The Entity: WABBIT! WABBIT! WENDEL! WILKIE! SALVO & BANJO!...
ALPHA = PRONTO!...
KOWTOW?...
LOGISTICS OUTLAW, SNOOK OBLIGE SNUGGERY: APROPOS BUDWEIS.
…DRUTHER CLOY ERUCTION!
…RED JACK! ELMER WASCAL FUDD! CLINTON! BUSH! MIRANDA! AL....
(Windows Messenger: Shhh-Jjjj-huuttt!) {{ You have mail! }}
|
The Entity (Dying!): W......AAA......BBBB..........................................
McCoy: I did it, Jim! I gave the virus 4 donuts and he went back to work downstairs!
Scotty: Aye, Sair! All the Hickenlooper Eisenburger eliminators are contrastingly invigorated!
Kirk: What? Speak English, Scotty!
(Everyone: Sigh!)
Spock: He said all systems were operational.
Kirk: Well, why didn't he say that in the first place?
Uhura: (Giggle!)
Spock: Correct, Mr. Scott. The Doctor's illogic can make any computer prefer to run Windows XP instead of a virus.
Kirk: Bones! You've upstaged me! I...have to...go sulk...now!
McCoy: Come on, Jim! I think I'm going to buy you a nice Saurian Brandy, in a cute little pub where the women are....
COMMERCIAL: {Geeky Voice Over} Hi! I'm Bill Gates! If my software can save the Enterprise, why would you want to run Unix on your PC? Buy the all new Microsoft Windows Xp 2nd Edition! Now with PMLAB e-mail blocker! Only $999.99 Comes with free CD cup holder for your PC! VirusScan available at small extra price.
NEXT EPISODE: "Sentence Diagramming!" An unknown, but very hungry & advanced life form, which calls itself "Dr. L." hi-jacks NCC-1701-D, to go teach Yoda how to speak English properly.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY: Krispy Kreme Donuts and Lucas Film Industries.
This parody written by: Pierre M. Laberge, SUDBURY, Ontario, Canada
Author's Note: I have been a "Trekkie" ever since I was a kid. Now they don't like to name "Trekkie". They consider it an insult. They want to be called "Trekkers". Yeah, right! Where were you Johnny-Come-Latelies during the hard years? The years when there were no movies, no new episodes, no ST-TNG, no ST:DS9, no ST:Voyager, and no ST:Enterprise? Once upon a time, there was only the original series in re-runs, and a few script translations by James Blish. I earned the name "Trekkie"! I wear it proudly. Anybody who doesn't like that, can go eat a velocipede for breakfast! This parody is done from love, and means no infringements of any copyrights. Besides, "Trek" belongs to the fans. I am a fan. And now that the "Great Bird of the Galaxy" (Gene Roddenberry) is no longer with us, it belongs to the fans more than ever. Because when all the corporations drop "Trek" because it is not profitable enough, the fans will carry on. Even without DeForest Kelly, Jimmy Dohan, or all the other greats!