Yes..its me again
This is a sweet melody that I wrote while I viewed(no further implications) a pretty, gold-skinned damsel:
/*Title:Yet to be found*/(My suggestion:A fair she)

Her garment trails her as she walks;
Quivering yens, her curly locks.
And as her mellow heart within:
Dances in that bosom trim,
Her lilting strides, Oh! inspire!
A lambent warm, while yet I fear,
That she my wand’ring mind seduce,
From greater thoughts, corner’d, refuse
My immediate presence !No! Ne’er will I e’er desert.
I? My duty? For her love fetter’d?
Fall a prey to a damsel dear?
Ne’er will I be won by her

/*Some trouble ending it*/
Please do edit. I need a super deluxe edition to present it for her birthday!
I thought I’d end it with a quote from tirrukural.
anangukol? aaymayil kolloh? kananguzhai
matharkol? malumyen nenju!

Is she a cherubim?  Or a phoenix?  Or is she a jewelled
Maiden? Oh! My heart is perplexed!

But now..if I add it not only will it be incongruous, but also without rhyme..I just cannot concoct any blazing way to rhyme it!
Yours amorously
Dictphilagapozoe

  1  Her garment trails her as she walks;
  2  Quivering yens, her curly locks.
  3  And as her mellow heart within:
  4  Dances in that bosom trim,
  5  Her lilting strides, Oh! inspire!
  6  A lambent warm, while yet I fear,
  7  That she my wand’ring mind seduce,
  8  From greater thoughts, corner’d, refuse
  9  My immediate presence !No! Ne’er will I e’er desert.
10  I? My duty? For her love fetter’d?
11  Fall a prey to a damsel dear?
12  Ne’er will I be won by her

1.  Metrical scansion: classic iambic dimeter seen in ll.1, 3, 6sqq:

      ⌣    ́―  |⌣      ́―        |⌣    ́― |⌣    ́―
  1  her GARment TRAILS her AS she WALKS;
  3  and AS her MELlow HEART withIN:
  6  a LAMBent WARM, while YET i FEAR,
  7  that SHE my WAND’ring MIND seDUCE,
  8  from GREATer THOUGHTS, cornER’D, reFUSE  [n.b. “ner’d” here sounds more like “nerd”!]

2.  First modification thereof in ll.2, 4, 11sq with substitute “́― ⌣ ―” monopod for initial “⌣ ́― |⌣ ́―́” measure:
      ́―     ⌣     ―      |⌣    ́―   |⌣ ́―
  2  QUIV’ring YENS, her CURLy LOCKS.
  4  DANCes IN that BOSom TRIM,
11  FALL a PREY tw’a DAMsel DEAR?
12  NE’ER will I be WON by HER

3.  Second modification in l.5 with same “́― ⌣ ―” replacement, yet assuming the final position:

      ⌣    ́―  |⌣    ́―           |́―   ⌣ ―
  5  her LILTing STRIDES, OH! inSPIRE!

4.  Perhaps third & final modification in l.10 with asymmetric “́― ⌣ ― |⌣ ́―”  substitution for initial measure:

     ́― ⌣   ― |⌣   ́―   |⌣    ́―     |⌣ ́―
10 I? my DUty? FOR her LOVE fetTER’D?  [n.b. “ter’d” here sounds more like “turd”!]

5.  Finally, one long Alexandrine hexameter in l.9 as follows:

      ⌣      ―  |⌣     ―    |⌣      ―    |⌣      ―    |⌣―    |⌣ ―
  9  mj’imMEDjate PRESence !NO! ne’er WILL i E’ER deSERT.

Is she a cherubim?  Or a phoenix?  Or is she a jewelled
Maiden? Oh! My heart is perplexed!

Anyone for a very dear, sweet, precious Tamilian barbie doll?

1.  Metrical scansion: classic iambic dimeter seen in ll.1, 3, 6sqq:

    ⌣  ́―  |⌣    ́―      |⌣  ́―  |⌣  ́―
  1 her GARment TRAILS her AS she WALKS;
  3 and AS her MELlow HEART withIN:
  6 a LAMBent WARM, while YET i FEAR,
  7 that SHE my WAND’ring MIND seDUCE,
  8 from GREATer THOUGHTS, cornER’D, reFUSE [n.b. “ner’d” here sounds more like “nurd”!]

2.  First modification thereof in ll.2, 4, 11sq with substitute “́― ⌣ ―” monopod for initial “⌣ ́― |⌣ ́―” measure:
    ́―    ⌣  ―    |⌣  ́―  |⌣ ́―
  2 QUIV’ring YENS, her CURLy LOCKS.
  4 DANCes IN that BOSom TRIM,
11 FALL a PREY tw’a DAMsel DEAR?
12 NE’ER will I be WON by HER

3.  Second modification in l.5 with same “́― ⌣ ―” replacement, yet assuming the final position:

    ⌣  ́―  |⌣  ́―        |́―  ⌣―
  5 her LILTing STRIDES, OH! inSPIRE!

4.  Perhaps third & final modification in l.10 with asymmetric “́― ⌣ ― |⌣ ́―” substitution for initial measure:

    ́― ⌣  ―|⌣  ́―  |⌣  ́―    |⌣  ́―
10 I? my DUty? FOR her LOVE fetTER’D?  [n.b. “ter’d” here sounds more like “turd”!]

5.  Finally, one long Alexandrine hexameter in l.9 as follows:

    ⌣    ―  |⌣    ―  |⌣    ―  |⌣    ―  |⌣―  |⌣ ―
  9 mj’imMEDjate PRESence !NO! ne’er WILL i E’ER deSERT.

It’s free verse lad, free verse!

Well since nobody seems to be interested…I have decided to alter it a bit myself

“From greater thoughts”, will be henceforth replaced as
“From thoughts sublime”

Yet no verse is completely free of one hindrance or another, just ask your muse!

                                  ⌣      ́―      |⌣   ́―
1.  Original measure: from GREATer THOUGHTS,

                                   ⌣      ́―              |⌣   ́―
2.  Isometric revision: from THOUGHTS subLIME,

Thank you for your heartfelt question;
Here’s my tentative suggestion.
Keep mostly to iambic meter;
That will make it sound much neater.
Your syntax wobbles in line eight,
And so I’ve put the meaning straight.
Like you, I found the ending hard;
I claim no genius as a bard.

Her garment trails her as she walks;
Quivering yens, her curly locks.
And as her mellow heart within
Pulsates within that bosom trim,
Her lilting strides (oh bliss!) inspire
A lambent warm, while yet I fear
That she my wand’ring mind seduce
From thoughts sublime.  I thus refuse
My immediate presence.  Woo her?  No!
I would not shirk my duty so.
What, I?  My duty?  Heav’n above!
I, fettered for a damsel’s love?
I should a hermit’s life prefer,
For ne’er will I be won by her.
Is she an angel?  A princess?
My heart is troubled, I confess!

AAA, ACB.

Replace “pulsates” with “throbs” to give “Throbs within that bosom trim”

Is she an angel?  A princess?
My heart is troubled, I confess!

Classic!

How would it sound if we have “doth wonder” instead of “is troubled”
“I thus refuse
My immediate presence.”

What I tried to tell was “Should I refuse?”

But altogether, your rede is lovely!

“Throbs” and “doth wonder” are fine.

If you want to say “Should I refuse”, you’ll need an “Or” before “woo”, to make the contrast clear:

From thoughts sublime.  Should I refuse
................................Or woo her?  No!

You’ll need to amend “My immediate presence” to lose a syllable.

ACB - 19 December 2008 06:21 PM

My heart is troubled, I confess!

dict - 20 December 2008 01:19 AM

How would it sound if we have “doth wonder” instead of “is troubled”

In my experience most editors will strike “doth, does, do, did, didst, dost” be it emphatic or whatever:

How doth my heart of hearts confess?

Now your “doth” becomes interrogative and belongs here by some inescapable logic.  In amorous verse, it always pays to be true regarding your fair Venus, no matter how wicked she may really seem—for such is love, no?  Hence the previous line will also need some more revision:

Is she an angel, a princess;
How doth my heart of hearts confess?

Dict, you’ve been agonising over this for a week now, better get it onto her stoop pretty quick or she’ll meet someone at Starbucks and be off.

Can you condense your efforts to date into a sms ?

If I had to guess, sms didn’t work too well, and that’s why she’s here with us now—correct me if I’m wrong!

Regarding bandito’s suggestion (reply # 9):

a) If the meaning is to be changed in this way, I would prefer the penultimate line to read:
She is an angel, a princess!
as it is now a definite statement.

b) ‘Heart of hearts’ strikes me as a cliché.

If it is wished to leave ‘Is she an angel? A princess?’ as a question, and retain the word ‘wonder’, I cannot think of any way of getting rid of the ‘doth’!  Possible alternatives:

My heart’s uncertain, I confess!

Must I succumb? My heart shouts ‘Yes!’

‘Heart of hearts’ strikes me as a cliché.

Actually, it’s something more than that: driving the poor phrase to the saturation point of galling monotony!

Douglang, I’m a perfectionist. But above all, I’m an outright despiser of the sms.

If I had to guess, sms didn’t work too well, and that’s why she’s here with us now—correct me if I’m wrong!

Seems that Bandito has already gone through this. Why else should he identify himself with me. I never knew that our tastes were so congenial.
A perfect imputation indeed; perfect to the uttermost.

Here is a condensation of my condensed efforts!

Oh! Sweet damsel!
Whose visage outshines the auroral orb!
Wilt thou tell me if thou lovest me
Oh! Deign and let me know!
One whose pulchritude surpasses that of beauty!