Sorry, I posted this in the wrong place, I think this is its place.

I recently wrote this poem and wanted to have a sincere critique. Don’t hesitate to say the truth and say what you don’t like, I want to learn!

The Violent Organized

They obey but think they don’t
Like a hoodwinked silly stone
Which believes it flies
But in fact has just been thrown.

They pretend that they are free
Happy, brave, even divine
But it’s just mirage
Of their spirit-crippled minds.

And they feign to be supreme
While deep inside they know
They are rejected,

They get low self esteem
As base as evil beast
With wrath infected.

Because a voice they hear
Inside their souls so daunted
Says, “What is it but rubbish
What is unwanted”?

Laura Aguirre

I specially have a doubt about the last verse, maybe better to say “the things unwanted” or “all that’s unwanted”?

Thank you very much

The first two verses are excellent.  I would just add the word ‘a’ before ‘mirage’ to make the line flow better.

The poem describes ‘their’ decline from foolish self-confidence to a sense of worthlessness.  I think you need to stress this idea of change over time, of ‘going downhill’.  Otherwise it may look as if the beginning of the poem (think they don’t [obey].....believes it flies) contradicts the end (they get low self esteem…..souls so daunted).  I suggest you combine the third and fourth verses (to emphasise the rhymes supreme/esteem and rejected/infected), and rewrite them something like this:

They feign to be supreme
Then suddenly they realise
They are rejected.
They lose their self esteem,
Become as base as evil beasts
With wrath infected.

(I don’t like the word ‘get’ in your version.)

In the last verse, ‘daunted’ is OK, but you may wish to consider ‘taunted’ as an alternative.  I would also change the last two lines to:

Says “What are you but rubbish
Which is unwanted?”

Or:

Says “What are you but rubbish,
Foul and unwanted?”

Finally, I’m not quite sure about the title.  According to my reading, ‘they’ start off confident and organized, then they become angry, violent and (presumably) disorganized.  You may wish to consider this point.

i wouldn’t mind editing the last stanza of this cute poem.
The Hiemal Strom
For a voice that ever whispers
Within the daunted soul
Unwanted are your caresses
Your vaunting sunk;Come,Hesper!

I picture our conception of ourselves as “great” when we flow alone..with no one to disturb us…ibut with the winter the brook becomes icy,obeying the mundane laws of ordinance, while the oceans,by virtue of its salinity , is liquid. And then our fear is kindled at how disorganized we are, as the ocean is that refuses to balk. But finally all the water flows into the ocean and disorganization overwhelms us with the arrival of spring.Hence the title
This, I should say, is a pessimist’s opinion

I have to admit that I’ve learnt a lot from you

Thanks a lot to you both: newbe and and ABC (?) or “member” _I’m mixed up with your names, sorry.
But thank you any way. I have been so busy but I’ve just started my holidays, so I will be able to answer more extensively very soon.
I need more time to read your poem calmly.

Oh, I agree with you in that the word “get” is not so poetic as it is overused colloquially. The word “become” heitens the poem.
I’ll continue later. I’m sending my daughters to bed.
See you…..........

Laura

Sorry, I should have said “heightens” the poem.

Dict’s stanza is interesting - the style reminds me a bit of Tennyson.

hiemal = of winter
strom = river, stream, brook
Hesper = evening

Pal, your likening has well blown me up!

Well, now I have a little time to reply. You’re right, I should have said “they’ve got low self esteem” instead of “they get”, because I didn’t mean that they are getting low self esteem little y little, I didn’t mean to say they are in a decline, but that they have already got self low esteem and for that reason they pretend that they are happy and superior, they want to make us think that they are “somebody”, a"a great somebody” but in fact they feel rubbsh.
I hope I have made myself understood.

The Violent Organized

They obey but think they don’t
Like a hoodwinked silly stone
Which believes it flies
But in fact has just been thrown.

They pretend that they are free
Happy, brave, even divine
But it’s just mirage
Of their spirit-crippled minds.

And they feign to be supreme
While deep inside they know
They are rejected,

They’ve got low self esteem
As base as evil beast
With wrath infected.

Because a voice they hear
Inside their souls so daunted
Says, “What is it but rubbish
What is unwanted”?

Laura Aguirre

There in jan this years have too wait best to all that are going out some have a fantastic holiday.

If you say so, whatever you are saying.