The art of the one-liner is, I believe, a disappearing art form. Groucho did it, Dorothy Parker did it, W.C. Fields did it.

Let’s all give it up for the late Tommy Cooper, the greatest British proponent of the one-liner (IMHO). Examples?

"Two kids were arrested today. One was drinking battery fluid, one was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "

or

"Someone cut the bottoms of my trouser leg off and sent it to the library. I thought, that’s a turn-up for the books."

and again,

"So I went to the dentist today, and he says, "Say Ah!". And I says, "Why?" And he says, "My dog’s dead."

Talk about use of language!

Today I received a series of one liners called "Chinese proverbs". Some examples:

- Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

I love some of Woody Allen one liners:
- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

and Groucho:
- Just quote me as saying I was misquoted.

and Ashleigh Brilliant:
- My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

and Mark Twain:
- Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

and… I could keep going the whole day.

I love one-liners! Saying them almost invariably makes people laugh.

Mine after some woman totaled my car. "She thought the double yellow lines on the road were a suggestion."

Patricia/AgDrgn

One of my favorites, AgDrgn, is also driving-related:

The sign says YIELD, mister, not SURRENDER!

;D

-Tim

My favorite Groucho (there really ought to be a back-formed verb "to Grouch"):

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

For that matter: Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(Is it just me, or are most of these really two-liners?  :-X)

Tim, I am still chuckling over that one! It’s great! Is it yours?

Patricia/AgDrgn

This just in on email today:

Zen for the overly serious
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some peoplehave.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

(Thanks Jim)
Bryn

Patricia, I honestly can’t remember when I first came across that quote.  I don’t think I made it up… But my morning commute is rife with [s]idiots[/s] people who don’t understand the art of negotiating merging into traffic, so it really strikes a chord with me.

;D

-Tim

P.S.  I didn’t make it up, unless there is some weird global serendipity occurring…

Dave’s Jokes also lists it… So I probably read it in Reader’s Digest.  :)

[quote author=KatyBr link=board=omni;num=1046310997;start=0#9 date=02/27/03 at 13:37:08]Blessed is He who sitteth upon a hot stove, for he Shall rise again! :D
Patricia, after I was hit by a wonan going admittedly 45 in a 30 zone, I was told that the sign that was solid orange with the  "30" was a mere speed suggestion, since it was not white with a black rim.  I Still won the case!
Katy

Good for you, KatyBr! Sounds like you got an intelligent judge!

The sign says YIELD, mister, not SURRENDER!

I definitely have to send this quote out to friends, or better yet, use it in one of my sig files! ^_^

Patricia/AgDrgn

[quote author=uncronopio link=board=omni;num=1046310997;start=0#1 date=02/26/03 at 21:47:22]and Ashleigh Brilliant: My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

;D

Anyone know who said this one (or something like this):
– If I can’t be one of the idle rich I’ll settle for being one of the idle idle.
                 
Oscar Wilde:
– On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure.

Ilka

Just to keep the thread going… how about this one from, I think, S. J. Perelman:

"I’d give you a summary, but it’d be pretty wintery."

;D

Brynbaker:  many of those originated with the deadpan comic, Steven Wright.

Here’s a bumper sticker that made me chuckle lately:

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

One I’ve seen on T-shirts here and there:

I’ve gone out to find myself. If I arrive before I get back, please keep me here until I return.

[quote author=rosewoman link=board=omni;num=1046310997;start=0#13 date=03/04/03 at 13:32:06]Brynbaker:  many of those originated with the deadpan comic, Steven Wright.

Here’s an email I received a few weeks ago.  Some have already been quoted; now we know the source.  There are other funny ones here too:

(enter email: )

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy who once
said, "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

Here are some more of his gems:

- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.

- Half the people you know are below average.

- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- To copy from one is plagiarism, but to steal from many is research.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis, please raise my hand.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- My mechanic told me, "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ ll have to catch up.

- The colder the x-ray table, the longer your body is required to be on it.

- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

[quote author=tamisaac link=board=omni;num=1046310997;start=15#15 date=03/05/03 at 09:43:31]
- Half the people you know are below average.

Not necessarily - it could be that there are many more above-average people, but a few real doozies, or there could be many near-idiots and a few geniuses. You could get the same average with any of a number of different combinations.

On the other hand, you may be absolutely certain that exactly half of all people are below the median.