I am involved with the NeuroVision Foundation (see below) and have been asked to draft a mission statement for the marketing blurb.  I have cobbled one together from several suggestions.

I hold the opinions of my fellow Agorans in extremely high regard, so I wonder if I might prevail upon your good natures to critique the following;

No need to be gentle.

The NEUROVISION FOUNDATION (The Australian Neuro-Ophthalmology Foundation) is dedicated to the establishment of a Neuro-Ophthalmology Research Laboratory where clinical neuro-opthalmologists and scientists will collaborate to advance, through pioneering research, the understanding and treatment and, ultimately, the prevention of blindness and visual impairment caused by neural disorders of vision in children and adults.

There is pressure to have the whole thing in one sentence - is that necessary?

Thanks people,

Jimbo.

[quote author=Jimbo link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#0 date=10/17/02 at 23:06:47]I am involved with the NeuroVision Foundation (see below) and have been asked to draft a mission statement for the marketing blurb.  I have cobbled one together from several suggestions.

I hold the opinions of my fellow Agorans in extremely high regard, so I wonder if I might prevail upon your good natures to critique the following;

No need to be gentle.

The NEUROVISION FOUNDATION (The Australian Neuro-Ophthalmology Foundation) is dedicated to the establishment of a Neuro-Ophthalmology Research Laboratory where clinical neuro-opthalmologists and scientists will collaborate to advance, through pioneering research, the understanding and treatment and, ultimately, the prevention of blindness and visual impairment caused by neural disorders of vision in children and adults.

There is pressure to have the whole thing in one sentence - is that necessary?

Thanks people,

Jimbo.

Here’s my first cut at a bit of wordsmithing in an attempt to make it a little less awkward.  I think you need to emphasize that you want to advance the understanding and treatment of the diseases, but I don’t think you can advance prevention; you accomplish tasks that may lead to the prevention of the diseases.  

I also made the unwarranted assumption that you may not only want to prevent new cases but also cure existing cases.

The NEUROVISION FOUNDATION (The Australian Neuro-Ophthalmology Foundation) is dedicated to the establishment of a Neuro-Ophthalmology Research Laboratory where clinical neuro-opthalmologists and scientists will collaborate to advance, through pioneering research, the understanding and treatment of blindness and visual impairment caused by neural disorders of vision in children and adults, and lead, ultimately, to the cure and prevention of these conditions.

Mission statements are supposed to be concise, hence the preference for a single sentence, or very few sentences.  

I had a quibble with my own agency’s old mission statement, which said in part "We assure health care for . . ."  I would have use "ensure."  

The new Mission statement is quite consise, and is expanded upon in the Vision statement.

CMS’s Mission
CMS’s mission is to serve Medicare and Medicaid beneficiaries.

CMS’s Vision
The vision is to become the most energized, efficient, customer friendly Agency in the government. We will strengthen the health care services and information available to Medicare and Medicaid beneficiaries and the health care providers who serve them.

(From the CMS Mission, Vision, and Goals page.)

After some further thought I’ve come up with:

Mission of the NEUROVISION FOUNDATION (The Australian Neuro-Ophthalmology Foundation)

Our mission is to establish a Neuro-Ophthalmology Research Laboratory where clinical neuro-opthalmologists and scientists will collaborate in pioneering research into the understanding and treatment of blindness and visual impairment caused by neural disorders of vision in children and adults, with our ultimate goal being the cure and prevention of these disorders.

Breaking the organization’s title out of the statement and putting in the mission statement title renders the mission statement itself a bit shorter and clearer, I think.

Let’s see what some of the other wordsmiths have to day.

Jimbo,

Who are the intended audience/readership for this mission statement?  

If it is for the average person in the street, then perhaps your statement could be simplified:

The Neurovision Foundation is dedicated to the establishment of a Research Laboratory to advance, through pioneering research, the understanding, treatment and prevention of blindness and visual impairment caused by neural disorders of vision.

I’m presuming:

that your marketing blurb gives the full name of the organisation.  Having the full name in the mission statement tends to make it unwieldy;

that people will assume you will be employing the type of scientists required for the work (and that it probably also says what type these are in your main blurb);

that people will assume both children and adults are covered (I naturally would).

You need to keep a mission statement short, snappy and to the point, otherwise people will tend to skim over it.

Hope this helps.

[quote author=Linnet link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#2 date=10/18/02 at 00:21:16] . . .You need to keep a mission statement short, snappy and to the point,
otherwise people will tend to skim over it. . . .

Being the jaded type, I usually skip over them no matter how short they are.  

Stargazer & Linnet,

Thank you both very much for your excellent help.

Stargazer, you pointed out a flaw in the structure that I myself felt uncomfortable with (the prevention thing) so I feel better about it now.

I will post my final version for your perusal.

J.

PS. I am similarly disposed to dislike the mission statement as a communication mechanism - but the marketing chaps seem to think it obligatory.

[cynic]Most mission statements are absolutely worthless.  They seem to have come out of late 80’s/early 90’s business culture.  There is something disturbingly new age and fuzzyheaded about the whole enterprise.  The assumption behind them is that this is a succinct statement of the guiding principles of the organization.  However, given that most of these come after the fact and are cobbled together at meetings that nobody wants to attend, I see them as being completely empty of any meaningful signification.  They are what semiologists might call "empty signifiers".  They are pretty little vases that are meant to be put on display but never actually used.[/cynic]

Brad

[quote author=Brad Ross-MacLeod link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#5 date=10/18/02 at 10:07:01][cynic]Most mission statements are absolutely worthless.  They seem to have come out of late 80’s/early 90’s business culture.  There is something disturbingly new age and fuzzyheaded about the whole enterprise.  The assumption behind them is that this is a succinct statement of the guiding principles of the organization.  However, given that most of these come after the fact and are cobbled together at meetings that nobody wants to attend, I see them as being completely empty of any meaningful signification.  They are what semiologists might call "empty signifiers".  They are pretty little vases that are meant to be put on display but never actually used.[/cynic]

Brad

Note Jimbo’s motive:  the marketing chaps find it necessary, I’m afraid.  Isn’t a mission statement supposed to clarify goals for united people within the organization? :(

[quote author=Brad Ross-MacLeod link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#5 date=10/18/02 at 10:07:01][cynic]Most mission statements are absolutely worthless.  [/cynic]

Brad

... because of their authors for whom the same epithet is often true.

The only one that still excites me is (as far as I recall) "... commit this nation ... before the end of this decade ... to place a man on the moon".

Succinct, specific, achievable, measurable, inspirational!

I wish I could pen stuff like that.

[quote author=Brad Ross-MacLeod link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#5 date=10/18/02 at 10:07:01][cynic]Most mission statements are absolutely worthless.  They seem to have come out of late 80’s/early 90’s business culture.  There is something disturbingly new age and fuzzyheaded about the whole enterprise.  . . .[/cynic]

TQM:  Total Quality Management.

When I first heard that phrase I thought it was about time Management became committed to quality; the employees always had been.  Later, they changed it at our Agency to be TQE:  Total Quality Environment, taking Management out of the picture.  Can you see a pattern developing?  It all came about after the Japanese with their Quality Circles started eating the US’ lunch in the automotive and electronics businesses.  As always, the government got in on the tail end of it all and our Agency put in a half-vast  ;)  implementation.  Many consultants made mucho dinero.

[quote author=brynbaker link=board=grammar;num=1034910407;start=0#7 date=10/18/02 at 11:49:06]
... because of their authors for whom the same epithet is often true.

The only one that still excites me is (as far as I recall) "... commit this nation ... before the end of this decade ... to place a man on the moon".

Succinct, specific, achievable, measurable, inspirational!

I wish I could pen stuff like that.

1:  Remember, a Camel is a Race Horse designed by a [Government] committee.  That in itself should tell you about early mission statements.

2:  " . . . and returning him safely."  A critical part, especially from the man’s veiwpoint.    Of course, there was great doubt at first whether it was achievable.  Still and all, a great mission statement.

I agree completely, and have lobbied to remove this meaningless drivel from the literature, but without success.

But, to improve my standing with the good people of the Agora, I’m going to have another go at them on Wednesday.

Wish me luck.